tw rape – oh my god, they were roommates

today in one single hour therapy session:

she talked me through how i was feeling about seeing that guy almost jump off a bridge and i went from shaky and heart-racy to kinda relaxed. because talking! about things!
i taught my therapist what fanfiction is and basically said, “A lot of it’s just about…making stuff gayer? And a lot of it’s sexual. Like. A lot.”
i taught my therapist what ageplay is because i had an incident trying to write it so that was….something…..
we talked through all the possible memories and signs of suppressed abuse that my anxiety brain’s been compiling for three days and it’s totally not a thing and everything’s fine
we talked about rape fantasies (ft. men) and she tried to be kink positive about it before i was, like, “NOPE, I DON’T WANT THESE” so then it was how to deal with intrusive thoughts and basically my homework is to work on interrupting my thoughts and also just to spend more time thinking about doing positive kinky stuff with ladies to get nicer fantasies
THERAPY’S WEIRD AND I HATE IT BUT ALSO IT’S GOOD?

TW I don’t know where it came from in my psyche but I have a massive kink for consensual dubcon/noncon. I really love being pushed around and hurt, pain with pleasure is such a turn on for me. Power dynamic stuff. I want to be taken advantage of and to be used in ways that I maybe didnt say were okay, but the person I’m with doesn’t care/pretends to not care either way.

so i’m a SA/rape survivor with the biggest rape kink (which is just… a nightmare finding fic to read). i just want someone to fucking use me however they want and completely ignore my wants and needs. and then i want them to coddle me and braid my hair and snuggle. so maybe it’s more of a standard d/s thing? i don’t even know anymore.

Tentacle monster anon here… Lol xD but really I think it must be one of the top three motivations for tentacle monster porn to be able to get off on ~rape-like situations~ without an actual rapist in them? Other variations on the theme: all kinds of Made Then Do It & sex pollen, “accidentally did the wrong spell in the sex toy factory” “pheromone misunderstanding with friendly aliens” “innocently exploring Tony Stark’s junk room and switched on what turns out to be an advanced fucking machine”

im also a lesbian that has intrusive thoughts/fantasies about noncon/dubcon with men. As a result i had some very unhealthy sexual experiences back when i was trying to make myself straight. It absolutely fucking sucks and is still one of my worst secrets. I hadnt really heard of anyone else having these so thought id let you know you’re not alone with that whole thing.

i’m glad to hear it’s a thing with someone else because i knew it was A Thing in general but i’ve never actually talked about it. i’ve gotten close to crossing lines a couple of times in a self-harm kinda way when i was hypomanic/depressed at the same time but luckily my anxiety prevents me from doing…most things.

but yeah, it sucks so much. and is one reason why it’s fucked up to make someone feel guilty for having rape fantasies, because there is no fucking way i would choose this.

speaking less positively of kinks, but being a lesbian who has noncon/dubcon fantasies about men fucking sucks and i’m extremely glad to have the ability to project that onto fictional characters

whole thing with the kind of rape fantasies where it’s not about not wanting what’s happening so much as not wanting to ADMIT you want it, which is almost impossible to find porn of that isn’t more creepy than hot – like it would have to be… long term kink partners with some kind of sex bet where the dom wins by turning their partner on enough to beg for it and the sub wins by holding out, maybe. usually i give up and go for tentacle monsters.

I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT AND I AM 100% WITH YOU.

Also, the casual “oh or tentacle monsters” at the end made me laugh so hard

croquettish:

Have you ever seen a twitter thread (or, in this case, two!) that so perfectly expressed everything you’d felt over months and months of harassment persistent? With all credit to @blackblobyellowcone, who is clearly amazing and completely gets it– not just why us women write and read the erotica that we do, but the history behind the censorship we, as a gender, have experienced. Bravo.